“I Thought You People Were Supposed To Be Jolly”

When we invite our guests on to the show, it’s customary to provide them with whatever they want while they’re in the green room. However, it’s often that they’ll take advantage of the hospitality.

Take Friday’s show for example.

Larry “JR” Hagman had us running around for ages looking for a bottle of 80-year-old scotch. He doesn’t even drink anymore! He just wanted to toy with us. No wonder he got shot when he was in Dallas.

Then the legend that is Derek Davis was on to us to have a nice big meal prepared for him. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a misunderstanding. He found a stripper dancing in his dressing room.

Meal, Male – they sound similar, yet there’s such a difference. Derek wasn’t happy. Even less happy when we finally got his dinner – Sausages and mashed potatoes. He’d seen enough “Sausage” already that night.

At least we were able to give his food to the models from the fashion show. Fashion shows are always terrible to do. The models are always so stuck up and annoying with their ways.

“Ooh, I can’t eat this, I’ve already eaten three Tic-Tacs today”

“Ohmigod, I can’t believe I met that celebrity”

“Mr. Kenny can you and your video camera get out of the dressing room?”

Models, who needs them? Would it not be easier to wheel out mannequins or something with the clothes on them? At least then I wouldn’t make a faux pas like that fashion show where we had Dawn French as a guest. I made the joke of saying she should be paid 10 grand to stay in bed. And she got really angry with me, saying backstage how I had a problem with people who were overweight.

I told her that it wasn’t a joke about her being fat. It was a joke where I was comparing her to a prostitute.

There are just some people that you can’t get a laugh out of…

It’s Like Looking At A Mirror…

If there’s one thing I hate (apart from lawsuits), it’s people that become famous by stealing the fame of more talented people. So you can imagine how fun I found Friday’s show to be.

First off we had Jerry Hall on the show. She slept with Mick Jagger.
I was talking David Soul too. He didn’t sleep with Mick Jagger.
I hope not anyway. That’s an ugly image.

So, I wanted to ask David Soul about being in Starsky and Hutch, and what it was like to drive the cool cars and beating up pimps and that. But then Jerry butts in, talking about how she knows Mick Jagger. It was annoying to say the least. It’s not like I discuss my sex life with my guests.
Any more.

The last time I did, it made my guest – Russell Brand – a bit uncomfortable. And he’s seen a lot of lady’s bits. I think it was the mention of nipple-clamps and cigarette lighters that pushed things too far.

Then, it was time for Risteard Cooper’s interview.
For those that are unaware, he makes a living by impersonating yours truly. Well, I say impersonating, but really he doesn’t sound a thing like me. He sounds really wooden and makes pauses at inopportune points. But the audience love to watch me sitting there while he’s doing me.

Doing me as in “imitating me”. When I said, “Do me, Risteard, Do me” during the show, I meant he should impersonate me. And nothing else, OK?

The worst though was when he compared me to Bull McCabe. That’s the violent land-grabbing character from the play “The Field”. It was at that point when I really wanted to reach across the desk and smack him in the face. But I’m above that now.

Court appointed anger management, dontcha know. To stop me raising my fists to people over trivial arguments…

This Land Is Your Land…

…This land is my land…La La La La La, It’s full of old sand….

I forget how the rest of that song goes. It probably doesn’t mention court settlements anyway.

So, yes. For those that didn’t see the news, I settled the whole court dispute that I had with my neighbour, Gerry Charlton, over that area of land we both claimed to own.

I won, just so you know.

All I have to do is just to pay the 2.3 million euro that the area of land costs.

And pay off my legal fees.

And allow Gerry to appear on the Late Late Show.

Where he will burst onstage and throw a pie in my face…

Before mooning me.

And I have to buy him a pony.


Victory is Mine!

That’s me there after the settlement, talking to a bunch of robot penises.

It’s such a relief to get the whole debacle out of the way now.

At least things were kept peaceful, and the land will be kept in pristine state.

Big Celebration party this weekend on Gorse Hill!

Boo-yah!

Pat Kenny-Renaissance Man.

Art. Great stuff isn’t it?
We had some young artists on with their artwork that won prizes for some competition or other.
But really, anything they ever come up with will never be as good as this masterpiece:

Beautiful, ain’t it?

Also on the show, it finally happened.
I made a joke. And people legitimately laughed.

It all started when we had that John McCririck race pundit guy on.
He made a crack about me having lots of money to spend.
And then I said, “Maybe soon I won’t have so much” to which people applauded.

It’s funny because I’m being sued!

But I’m not worried about my neighbour suing me over this land deal.
“Why?” you may ask.

Is it because I could take him in a fight? No.

Is it because I could buy and sell his ass? No.

Is it because I told the judge that if he doesn’t rule in my favour, I’ll send a half-naked John McCririck round to his place?

John and I discussed it, but no.

I’m not worried because things could always be worse.
I could be Ryan Tubridy for instance.

Or Pat Spillane’s kids.
He doesn’t let them have any fun at all. He was talking there about how he doesn’t let his kids get drunk on a Saturday night. Due to of all the other people out that are full with gallons of Fat-Frogs and Vodka and Red Bull drinks.

Taking advantages of kids younger than them.

Fighting with policemen.

Streaking and urinating in public places.

Namely me and me buddies. It’s not a Saturday night until you see Gerry Ryan tuck his balls between his legs and start dancing.

Where Does A General Keep His Armies?

Up his sleevies!!!

Get it?

Coming November 2008 – The Pat Kenny Jokebook.

I hope this goes better than my last literary venture – “DIY with Pat Kenny“. The book was critically derided. The less said about the chapter on landscaping your gardens, the better. So many lawsuits…

The reviewers did seem to find humour in the chapter on carpentry though. I’ll never understand why…

Anyways, we had a big hoo-ha on Friday night about the Irish Peacekeeping soldiers heading off to Chad.

I didn’t even know there was a place called Chad. You could see my confusion for the first half of the interview. I thought they had something to do with those Florida hanging things that made the 2000 US Presidential Elections such a bother.

Good thing I didn’t say something like “Make sure they’re hung properly”. That would have been a major embarrassment.

Speaking of major embarrassments to the country, the guys off that TV travel show How Low Can You Go? were on. Only kidding, I love them really. (That joke won’t be in the book, don’t worry.)

They really inspired what my plans are for the summer. I’m going to head across America in a camper van just like they did. Me, the missus and a gay guy. Or even just Gay Byrne. I don’t know yet.

…Avoiding the innuendo joke about people and giving their organs…and here we go.

Later on, we had a segment about organ donation. Possibly bad timing considering we only just had some people on about going to fight in the army. “Go on peacekeeping missions. If you die, donate your organs”

It was the worst pairing of segments since we followed a discussion about paedophilia with a song from Boyzone…