Posts Tagged 'Stripper'

Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

So, I made it out of Leitrim. Just about. The experience was far worse than anything I could have expected. It reminded me of that film The Hills Have Eyes. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much camera footage. When we set the cameras rolling, the locals ganged up and accused our cameraman of trying to steal their souls. Such a shame they sacrificed him inside a large wicker man like that. Oh well, he knew what the job entailed.

So anyhow, now that the national tour is done and dusted, we jetted on down the N3 road on the way home for a well-deserved rest.

Well, so I thought. For some inexplicable reason, the feckwits, I mean bosses, at RTE thought I should present The Late Late Show from Wexford Opera House. I should be angry that I’m kept outside Dublin for a bit longer, but on the other hand, I’m actually psyched for this. I’m flattered that they arranged such a grand venue for me to show off my vocal talents.

The last time I sung in public was when I was a little tipsy at Oxegen and got up to do karaoke in the VIP bar. Which was an amazing sight to see. I do an excellent 48-minute version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Falsetto voices, manic dancing, removal of shirts, head banging, and jumping kicks, I give it the full 110%. And the people in the crowd (that haven’t left by then) cheer like they’re insane.

Plus I’m going to be backed up by the RTE Concert Orchestra, which is mega wicked awesome. We’ve got every type of instrumentalist in that orchestra: a violinist, a cello player, a triangle player, and even a guy who can make noises with his armpits. Oh-ho, it’s going to be a good show. See you all there!

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“I Thought You People Were Supposed To Be Jolly”

When we invite our guests on to the show, it’s customary to provide them with whatever they want while they’re in the green room. However, it’s often that they’ll take advantage of the hospitality.

Take Friday’s show for example.

Larry “JR” Hagman had us running around for ages looking for a bottle of 80-year-old scotch. He doesn’t even drink anymore! He just wanted to toy with us. No wonder he got shot when he was in Dallas.

Then the legend that is Derek Davis was on to us to have a nice big meal prepared for him. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a misunderstanding. He found a stripper dancing in his dressing room.

Meal, Male – they sound similar, yet there’s such a difference. Derek wasn’t happy. Even less happy when we finally got his dinner – Sausages and mashed potatoes. He’d seen enough “Sausage” already that night.

At least we were able to give his food to the models from the fashion show. Fashion shows are always terrible to do. The models are always so stuck up and annoying with their ways.

“Ooh, I can’t eat this, I’ve already eaten three Tic-Tacs today”

“Ohmigod, I can’t believe I met that celebrity”

“Mr. Kenny can you and your video camera get out of the dressing room?”

Models, who needs them? Would it not be easier to wheel out mannequins or something with the clothes on them? At least then I wouldn’t make a faux pas like that fashion show where we had Dawn French as a guest. I made the joke of saying she should be paid 10 grand to stay in bed. And she got really angry with me, saying backstage how I had a problem with people who were overweight.

I told her that it wasn’t a joke about her being fat. It was a joke where I was comparing her to a prostitute.

There are just some people that you can’t get a laugh out of…