Posts Tagged 'Gay Byrne'

Where Does A General Keep His Armies?

Up his sleevies!!!

Get it?

Coming November 2008 – The Pat Kenny Jokebook.

I hope this goes better than my last literary venture – “DIY with Pat Kenny“. The book was critically derided. The less said about the chapter on landscaping your gardens, the better. So many lawsuits…

The reviewers did seem to find humour in the chapter on carpentry though. I’ll never understand why…

Anyways, we had a big hoo-ha on Friday night about the Irish Peacekeeping soldiers heading off to Chad.

I didn’t even know there was a place called Chad. You could see my confusion for the first half of the interview. I thought they had something to do with those Florida hanging things that made the 2000 US Presidential Elections such a bother.

Good thing I didn’t say something like “Make sure they’re hung properly”. That would have been a major embarrassment.

Speaking of major embarrassments to the country, the guys off that TV travel show How Low Can You Go? were on. Only kidding, I love them really. (That joke won’t be in the book, don’t worry.)

They really inspired what my plans are for the summer. I’m going to head across America in a camper van just like they did. Me, the missus and a gay guy. Or even just Gay Byrne. I don’t know yet.

…Avoiding the innuendo joke about people and giving their organs…and here we go.

Later on, we had a segment about organ donation. Possibly bad timing considering we only just had some people on about going to fight in the army. “Go on peacekeeping missions. If you die, donate your organs”

It was the worst pairing of segments since we followed a discussion about paedophilia with a song from Boyzone…

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The Legend Of St. Pat.

Welcome one and all to a very special post.

Today is a national holiday in Ireland. St. Patrick’s Day. One of many days dedicated to yours truly.

My Outfit for Today.

Don’t I look spiffing in my celebratory garments?

Now, since it’s such a very special day, I’m going to regale you all with a story:

 


“The Legend of St. Pat”

(dum-dum-dummm)

Pat was born in Dublin 4 in 1948 AD. When he was 14 years old, a man named Niall of the Forty Coats captured him. He took him to Cavan, where Pat was sold as a slave to a farmer named Murphy. By day, Pat minded sheep and pigs on a hill in Ballyjamesduff. By night, he prayed to the gods of RTE, for some way out of his farming life.

Then one night he heard a voice in his head. It was the voice of Gay Byrne. He was telling Pat that he had to escape and that the people of Ireland needed him. Pat thought he was dreaming but Gay told him “No gobsheen, you’re not dreaming. There’s a bus waiting in Cavan town that’ll take you to where you need to be. Now get going, ya fecking sparrowfart!” The next day, Pat ran all the way to the bus depot. He hid inside the luggage compartment. 6 days later, he made it back to Dublin.

Pat wasn’t there long when again he heard the Voice of Gay. The Voice told him to go to Donnybrook to tell the RTE staff all about his vision of a new way of TV presenting. Pat realised then that his calling in life was to be a television presenter. It wasn’t going to be easy. Pat went to University College Dublin to start his training. Many years later, he was awarded his degree in Chemical Engineering.

Ah Feckit!” said Pat. “I signed up for the wrong course!”

Many more years later, after receiving proper training, Pat and some followers went to Slane. One of the main bands playing were The Chieftains. Pat and his followers decided to light a fire when it got dark. This greatly angered The Chieftains, who wanted to light a fire first. (Traditionally, concertgoers would huddle around a fire and pass round their smuggled bottles of poitin, and a great hooley would be held.) The Chieftains demanded that the leader of this insolent gang be brought before them for questioning.

Pat began to speak before the backstage VIPs. He explained about how he had a dream that he was supposed to be a TV presenter on RTE. “I was told that the people of Ireland needed me in their presenting lives. I need to be part of the Trinity – Television, Radio and, if I have time, you can let me write for the RTE Guide.

The Director General, Aonghus McAnally, overheard this speech and was impressed. Pat was given a job presenting current affairs on the TV show “Tonight Tonight, Today, The Day Today, Tonight”. Pat continued to present news to all those who listened in Ireland. But this wasn’t watched by many people. Pat needed to spread his messages to the entire nation.

Pat’s path towards presenting took a larger step when he presented the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest. When Celine Dion came on stage with her snake-like dancing, Pat grabbed a wooden stick and drove Celine out of Ireland, never to return.

This further impressed the people of Ireland. Pat was awarded a presenting job on the show “Kenny Live”. Here he was able to further hone his skills as a presenter.

Then in 1999, The Voice of Gay spoke to him again. “Right ya fecking eejit. I’m getting too old for this shite. You can take this job and do what ya like with it. I’m off to work in the Government.” As Gay left the show on his golden Harley Davidson motorcycle, Pat took over as the lead TV presenter in Ireland.

And to this day, Pat continues his work delivering news and interviews to all the people around Ireland. His feast day is celebrated every Friday night (from September to May) at 9.30pm.

People across the country now commemorate this special event by wearing a small piece of mahogany on their person, or by huddling around the television with the family, as they all chant the same hallowed mantra in unison:






Jaysus, that Pat’s an awful Bollix.



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