Archive for June, 2008

Story Bud?

Well, That was bit of a bad start to the national tour. With a great burst of enthusiasm, we all took off from the RTE studios to head off on the Ireland tour. But ended up stuck in Ballymun with a flat tire. I had to walk 5 miles to get to the nearest petrol station. I tried hitchhiking, but everyone would either give a cheeky thumbs up back to me, or stop and let me walk to the car before speeding off. Whilst sticking their middle fingers up at me. Bastards.

And then when I got back, some sneaky kids had taken the other good wheels, a camera, and a cameraman. So for the rest of the week, our group had to stay right where we were.

Didn’t mean we didn’t have fun. I got to meet many of the locals. (A big shout out to my homies, Deco and PJ.) I also got to appreciate many things in the Greater Dublin Area. Such as bonfires from burnt out cars. Or people who keep racehorses in their housing estates. Mighty people.

Wish I could say that Joe Duffy had a good time. He stepped out of the caravan and within 2 minutes, he was swamped by hundreds of middle-aged people, wanting to “Talk to Joe” about all their problems. They ended up carrying him off in a hastily-fashioned cage. We haven’t seen him since.

Yesterday we were joined by the newest houseguest, the TV “personality” that is Hector Ó hEochagáin. He’s sharing the van for the next week as we head off to County Offaly.

This should be great fun. Everyone knows how much fun Offaly people are, with their big funny accents and their nickname of Biffo. (Big Ignorant Fool From Offaly). I myself have a nickname that’s an acronym too.

Everyone always calls me a Super Hot Intelligent Television Entertainer.

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And We’re Off!

So yesterday I had the meeting. The Reality show has been commissioned! “Pat’s Ireland” will see me going to the different counties of Ireland over the summer. I’ll get to see the way the commoners (i.e., you people) live.

To be honest, I’d rather be going to some other country, but budget cuts and all that means I can’t. (It costs like half a million quid to make each episode of The Afternoon Show. Most goes on make-up and camera filters to make the women look human.)

I can’t wait to head off. We leave in our campervan next week. It’ll be just myself, Patricia (the wife), plus our 2 teenage kids – Pat Jr. and Young Paddy. Patricia said she’d do the driving.

Too right she will, my license got revoked three years ago when I hit that deer in Phoenix Park. Well…when I say “Deer” it turned out he was just a hairy homeless guy. Still, he was ok after a few months. More or less.

Anyhow, I know what all my dedicated fans are thinking, and yes, I will still be presenting the radio show during all this so don’t worry.

I have a radio transmitter hooked up to the roof, and I’ve made the bathroom my own private studio. It’s quite ingenious. Every time is flush the toilet; it powers the generator, which in turn gives me 20 minutes of talk time on the air. That may prove to be a little problematic.

First stop on the tour – Dublin. We’re going to take it easy for the first week. My good friend and fellow DJ, Joe Duffy will also join us in our travels for the first week. He wants us to go to what he calls “the most glamorous of destinations” – Clontarf.

Joe says he hopes he can get to use my toilet to broadcast his radio show from there.

I just hope we can make it through the county without the van getting stolen.

Here Comes The Summer!

Apologies for the delay since the last post. It’s just that I was so geared up about finishing the Late Late show for the summer that I wasn’t able to think straight for the week coming up to the finale. The show organizers didn’t make it easy for me. How is any man supposed to talk to Amanda Brunker, without closing their ears and staring at her chest? It’s damn near impossible!

So then the second I finished, I headed on the next plane out of the country to go on my holidays. Thailand is great, by the way. You can get away we nearly anything out there. It was only for that incident involving myself and the national football team streaking through the streets that led to my deportation.

So yes, I’m free for the summer now. But I don’t really know what to do with myself. I mean, there’s the radio show to be done, but no-one really cares about that. Plus I pre-record the show 4 or 5 months in advance. And nobody’s the wiser about it. Except for the time I discussed the results of the May General Election and what it meant for Ireland. In October.

I put in a pitch to the Director General of RTE for a new reality show to show while I’m off the TV. I think he’s going to go for it. I’ll be filming next month, and then it should hopefully go to air in the early autumn. The plan is for myself, the wife and our kids to head across the country in a camper van. We’re also arranging that each week there’ll be a special celebrity housemate with us. It’ll be tremendous fun.

We still have to come up with a title for it though. They told me I can’t have a show called “Pat Kenny’s Land”.