Posts Tagged 'RTE'

Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

So, I made it out of Leitrim. Just about. The experience was far worse than anything I could have expected. It reminded me of that film The Hills Have Eyes. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much camera footage. When we set the cameras rolling, the locals ganged up and accused our cameraman of trying to steal their souls. Such a shame they sacrificed him inside a large wicker man like that. Oh well, he knew what the job entailed.

So anyhow, now that the national tour is done and dusted, we jetted on down the N3 road on the way home for a well-deserved rest.

Well, so I thought. For some inexplicable reason, the feckwits, I mean bosses, at RTE thought I should present The Late Late Show from Wexford Opera House. I should be angry that I’m kept outside Dublin for a bit longer, but on the other hand, I’m actually psyched for this. I’m flattered that they arranged such a grand venue for me to show off my vocal talents.

The last time I sung in public was when I was a little tipsy at Oxegen and got up to do karaoke in the VIP bar. Which was an amazing sight to see. I do an excellent 48-minute version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Falsetto voices, manic dancing, removal of shirts, head banging, and jumping kicks, I give it the full 110%. And the people in the crowd (that haven’t left by then) cheer like they’re insane.

Plus I’m going to be backed up by the RTE Concert Orchestra, which is mega wicked awesome. We’ve got every type of instrumentalist in that orchestra: a violinist, a cello player, a triangle player, and even a guy who can make noises with his armpits. Oh-ho, it’s going to be a good show. See you all there!

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Here Comes The Summer!

Apologies for the delay since the last post. It’s just that I was so geared up about finishing the Late Late show for the summer that I wasn’t able to think straight for the week coming up to the finale. The show organizers didn’t make it easy for me. How is any man supposed to talk to Amanda Brunker, without closing their ears and staring at her chest? It’s damn near impossible!

So then the second I finished, I headed on the next plane out of the country to go on my holidays. Thailand is great, by the way. You can get away we nearly anything out there. It was only for that incident involving myself and the national football team streaking through the streets that led to my deportation.

So yes, I’m free for the summer now. But I don’t really know what to do with myself. I mean, there’s the radio show to be done, but no-one really cares about that. Plus I pre-record the show 4 or 5 months in advance. And nobody’s the wiser about it. Except for the time I discussed the results of the May General Election and what it meant for Ireland. In October.

I put in a pitch to the Director General of RTE for a new reality show to show while I’m off the TV. I think he’s going to go for it. I’ll be filming next month, and then it should hopefully go to air in the early autumn. The plan is for myself, the wife and our kids to head across the country in a camper van. We’re also arranging that each week there’ll be a special celebrity housemate with us. It’ll be tremendous fun.

We still have to come up with a title for it though. They told me I can’t have a show called “Pat Kenny’s Land”.

The Legend Of St. Pat.

Welcome one and all to a very special post.

Today is a national holiday in Ireland. St. Patrick’s Day. One of many days dedicated to yours truly.

My Outfit for Today.

Don’t I look spiffing in my celebratory garments?

Now, since it’s such a very special day, I’m going to regale you all with a story:

 


“The Legend of St. Pat”

(dum-dum-dummm)

Pat was born in Dublin 4 in 1948 AD. When he was 14 years old, a man named Niall of the Forty Coats captured him. He took him to Cavan, where Pat was sold as a slave to a farmer named Murphy. By day, Pat minded sheep and pigs on a hill in Ballyjamesduff. By night, he prayed to the gods of RTE, for some way out of his farming life.

Then one night he heard a voice in his head. It was the voice of Gay Byrne. He was telling Pat that he had to escape and that the people of Ireland needed him. Pat thought he was dreaming but Gay told him “No gobsheen, you’re not dreaming. There’s a bus waiting in Cavan town that’ll take you to where you need to be. Now get going, ya fecking sparrowfart!” The next day, Pat ran all the way to the bus depot. He hid inside the luggage compartment. 6 days later, he made it back to Dublin.

Pat wasn’t there long when again he heard the Voice of Gay. The Voice told him to go to Donnybrook to tell the RTE staff all about his vision of a new way of TV presenting. Pat realised then that his calling in life was to be a television presenter. It wasn’t going to be easy. Pat went to University College Dublin to start his training. Many years later, he was awarded his degree in Chemical Engineering.

Ah Feckit!” said Pat. “I signed up for the wrong course!”

Many more years later, after receiving proper training, Pat and some followers went to Slane. One of the main bands playing were The Chieftains. Pat and his followers decided to light a fire when it got dark. This greatly angered The Chieftains, who wanted to light a fire first. (Traditionally, concertgoers would huddle around a fire and pass round their smuggled bottles of poitin, and a great hooley would be held.) The Chieftains demanded that the leader of this insolent gang be brought before them for questioning.

Pat began to speak before the backstage VIPs. He explained about how he had a dream that he was supposed to be a TV presenter on RTE. “I was told that the people of Ireland needed me in their presenting lives. I need to be part of the Trinity – Television, Radio and, if I have time, you can let me write for the RTE Guide.

The Director General, Aonghus McAnally, overheard this speech and was impressed. Pat was given a job presenting current affairs on the TV show “Tonight Tonight, Today, The Day Today, Tonight”. Pat continued to present news to all those who listened in Ireland. But this wasn’t watched by many people. Pat needed to spread his messages to the entire nation.

Pat’s path towards presenting took a larger step when he presented the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest. When Celine Dion came on stage with her snake-like dancing, Pat grabbed a wooden stick and drove Celine out of Ireland, never to return.

This further impressed the people of Ireland. Pat was awarded a presenting job on the show “Kenny Live”. Here he was able to further hone his skills as a presenter.

Then in 1999, The Voice of Gay spoke to him again. “Right ya fecking eejit. I’m getting too old for this shite. You can take this job and do what ya like with it. I’m off to work in the Government.” As Gay left the show on his golden Harley Davidson motorcycle, Pat took over as the lead TV presenter in Ireland.

And to this day, Pat continues his work delivering news and interviews to all the people around Ireland. His feast day is celebrated every Friday night (from September to May) at 9.30pm.

People across the country now commemorate this special event by wearing a small piece of mahogany on their person, or by huddling around the television with the family, as they all chant the same hallowed mantra in unison:






Jaysus, that Pat’s an awful Bollix.