Posts Tagged 'Joe Duffy'

Story Bud?

Well, That was bit of a bad start to the national tour. With a great burst of enthusiasm, we all took off from the RTE studios to head off on the Ireland tour. But ended up stuck in Ballymun with a flat tire. I had to walk 5 miles to get to the nearest petrol station. I tried hitchhiking, but everyone would either give a cheeky thumbs up back to me, or stop and let me walk to the car before speeding off. Whilst sticking their middle fingers up at me. Bastards.

And then when I got back, some sneaky kids had taken the other good wheels, a camera, and a cameraman. So for the rest of the week, our group had to stay right where we were.

Didn’t mean we didn’t have fun. I got to meet many of the locals. (A big shout out to my homies, Deco and PJ.) I also got to appreciate many things in the Greater Dublin Area. Such as bonfires from burnt out cars. Or people who keep racehorses in their housing estates. Mighty people.

Wish I could say that Joe Duffy had a good time. He stepped out of the caravan and within 2 minutes, he was swamped by hundreds of middle-aged people, wanting to “Talk to Joe” about all their problems. They ended up carrying him off in a hastily-fashioned cage. We haven’t seen him since.

Yesterday we were joined by the newest houseguest, the TV “personality” that is Hector Ó hEochagáin. He’s sharing the van for the next week as we head off to County Offaly.

This should be great fun. Everyone knows how much fun Offaly people are, with their big funny accents and their nickname of Biffo. (Big Ignorant Fool From Offaly). I myself have a nickname that’s an acronym too.

Everyone always calls me a Super Hot Intelligent Television Entertainer.

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And We’re Off!

So yesterday I had the meeting. The Reality show has been commissioned! “Pat’s Ireland” will see me going to the different counties of Ireland over the summer. I’ll get to see the way the commoners (i.e., you people) live.

To be honest, I’d rather be going to some other country, but budget cuts and all that means I can’t. (It costs like half a million quid to make each episode of The Afternoon Show. Most goes on make-up and camera filters to make the women look human.)

I can’t wait to head off. We leave in our campervan next week. It’ll be just myself, Patricia (the wife), plus our 2 teenage kids – Pat Jr. and Young Paddy. Patricia said she’d do the driving.

Too right she will, my license got revoked three years ago when I hit that deer in Phoenix Park. Well…when I say “Deer” it turned out he was just a hairy homeless guy. Still, he was ok after a few months. More or less.

Anyhow, I know what all my dedicated fans are thinking, and yes, I will still be presenting the radio show during all this so don’t worry.

I have a radio transmitter hooked up to the roof, and I’ve made the bathroom my own private studio. It’s quite ingenious. Every time is flush the toilet; it powers the generator, which in turn gives me 20 minutes of talk time on the air. That may prove to be a little problematic.

First stop on the tour – Dublin. We’re going to take it easy for the first week. My good friend and fellow DJ, Joe Duffy will also join us in our travels for the first week. He wants us to go to what he calls “the most glamorous of destinations” – Clontarf.

Joe says he hopes he can get to use my toilet to broadcast his radio show from there.

I just hope we can make it through the county without the van getting stolen.

Douze Pointe? That’s Just Fowl.

It’s almost that time of year again. The time of year when people of no evident talent from all over dress up like eejits and get their few minutes of fame on television, while people at home watching just laugh and laugh. No, not Celebrity Jigs & Reels. Something almost as tedious.

The freaking Eurovision Song Contest.

Every year I have to watch as the Late Late gets hi-jacked by a bunch of “musicians” appearing a few weeks before the contest so they can claim how they’re going to win and have a brilliant music career and all that shite.

If they actually won, then they might claim a hit out of it, or at the very least get some TV presenting work. Like Linda Martin. Although she had to do some other things for the bosses which I’m contractually bound not to tell anyone.

But it involved handcuffs, some whipped cream and a goose.

Anyway, we even have the non-national entrants appearing on the show to appease our multicultural society. So that’s why we had Poland’s Eurovision entrant on the show on Friday. Isis Gee is her name. Yes, yes I know. Gee is a slang for a lady’s front-bottom. I would be making jokes, only we’re sending a turkey as our entrant.

Oh Dustin, Dustin, Dustin. My mortal enemy. I hope the Serbians eat him alive. He’s the cheekiest turkey to ever exist. Dustin once claimed that he’d take over the show after me.

Never! It’s my show rightfully! I’m going into cryogenics as soon as something bad happens to me. I have it all planned out. Every Friday I can be thawed out for three hours to present the show.

It’s a bit extreme, yes, but I wouldn’t be the first TV personality to use modern science to keep in the business. Like Anne Doyle (Botox) or Joe Duffy (Calf implants). Even Mike Murphy is part robot. He only left Winning Streak because Derek Mooney unplugged his batteries.

Now Mike just remains motionless in a store-room at RTE headquarters, gathering dust. Poor guy.


May 2018
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