Posts Tagged 'Bertie Ahern'

Hungry For Some Gift Grub.

One of my favourite segments on the Late Late Show is when we have a celebrity chef on to cook some food for us. Last Friday, we had Jamie Oliver on the show cooking me some pasta. It was a lot more than when Ainsley Harriott was on a few weeks ago. All he did was help judge a fashion show.

Modelling doesn’t put food on the table! And even if it did, the models probably wouldn’t eat it. All the while, I’m still hungry.

It is great anyhow to have a chef on the show like that. It means I can finally get a good meal. That RTE canteen only ever serves me soup. And the missus at home isn’t the best cook in the world either. Like that time she tried making Beef Wellington, with an actual boot. I still wonder about what was in that Shepherd’s pie she once made.

Don’t get me wrong; we’re both terrible cooks. Last time I tried cooking a slice of toast, I burned our bathroom. Long story, don’t ask.

You’d think she’d have time to learn to cook though. All she does is stay at home and watch TV or listen to yours truly on the radio. Speaking of the radio, that guy who does the celebrity voices on Today FM’s Gift Grub programme was on the show too. (Excellent link, eh?)

“Super” Mario Woodstock is the guy. He’s trying to milk the last drops out of being able to “impersonate” Bertie Ahern. The saddest part is, the guy actually has a split personality. He thinks he is each one of the people that he does a voice of. The people at Today FM just lock him in a small dark room all day, and record his mad ramblings as he talks to himself.

Good thing they don’t do the same with us RTE people. We’re allowed out of the room at lunchtime.


World Exclusive: Super Special Guests For Friday Night!

This Friday, Bertie Ahern himself will be on the show to tell the nation how he’s going to achieve the ultimate goal in politics:

Bartending in the Dail Bar.

Then, after that, my neighbour and I will settle our courtroom squabbles over that plot of land in Dalkey.

By mud-wrestling live on the studio floor.

This will be followed by Colin Farrell announcing he’s going to become a priest.

He’ll be Pope yet!

Afterwards, Jack Charlton will be making a guest appearance to announce he’s taking over as Irish Rugby manager.

And finally, to cap off this great show, U2 will perform what will be their last performance together,before they split up.
(Bono is going to work in McDonalds on O’Connell Street.)

Hahahahahaha. I’m only joking.

April Fool!

Wait, what day is it today?


Can We Get Some Real Guests Please?

Greetings all. I’m back from my Easter holidays. I got going to that Easter Island with all the giant head statues on it. It was a bit disappointing. I expected them to be filled with chocolate or something on the inside. Lousy natives must have eaten it already. I ended up buying a handful of Toblerones in the duty-free shop on my way home.

Anyhoozlebees, despite eating a ton of chocolate, I was in a bit of a cranky mood when i got back. Due to delays and paperwork, I only arrived at RTE an hour before Friday’s show was due to begin.

Who’d have thought the staff at Dublin Airport would get angry over me dressing up like Osama Bin Laden? They even made me shave the 2-week beard I had grown for the costume.

So,there I am anyway, running into the studio with no idea who the show-runners had booked.

And what guests did I have when I got there?

Fecking John Waters,Eamon Dunphy and some other guy. Talking about Bertie Ahern and whether he’s a crook or not.

Jesus wept.

I don’t really get on with those guys well. They put the “Dum” into Boredom.

Like John Waters. He doesn’t like me asking him how the songwriting career is going. Or how is Sinead O’Connor these days.

But Dunphy is the worst. Always wants to upstage me. He hosted a rival chat show a few years ago, and it failed miserably. Still, it’s always fun to let him know he’s my bitch.

Speaking of people that you just want to punch, Gerard Kean was on the show. Along with some other people who are actually famous, all promoting their new Celebrity GAA Manager show. I actually had no clue who this guy was, but from what the Sunday Independent “Showbiz” section says, he’s the coolest guy in Ireland.

I didn’t rate him too highly. For one thing, he doesn’t play football. Like Robbie or Roy Keane. What’s up with that?

Fecking useless shower of guests, the lot of them.

And don’t even get me started on those poncey millionaire computer science kids. I didn’t have loads of money when i was their age. I had to work really hard for all the money I get now.

Well, not really. But still!

January 2019
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