Posts Tagged 'Arse'

Now, That’s How You Start A New Series!

I’m anticipating a heap of complaints over the opening episode of the Late Late. Not due to the skit we did with the ushers singing with mock-Italian accents but rather because of that Magick Macabre lot.

For those that aren’t as informed as myself, they’re a group of magicians known for doing all sorts of freaky shit. They obviously had to tone it down for TV, but somehow I think the older viewers still might get offended by seeing a leather-clad gimp pass through the stomach of a big beardy man. They ought to see Gerry Ryan’s bachelor pad on a Wednesday night. That would really put the fear into you.

The thing is, I do owe those magicians a great deal. I managed to get myself into a great deal of trouble during the show and they helped me hide in one of their magic box things.

But Pat, you’re loved by everyone! How did you get in trouble?” I hear you ponder. Well some of my guests took offence at what I said to them. First off, I accidentally insulted the Olympic Medal-winning boxers. I merely suggested to one of them that he should move out of his mother’s house now that he’s more famous. I DID NOT IMPLY HE WAS A MOMMA’S BOY!

If that wasn’t bad enough, I then made an ill-advised crack about the other boxer joining Weight Watchers after he takes a break from training. I WAS NOT CALLING HIM A FAT LOAD!

Speaking of moody people who should join Weight Watchers, we then had the Taoiseach Brian Cowen make an appearance. After grilling him about the economy and the usual “You Screwed Us Over, Cowen” type questions, I made a mistake of suggesting that he’d be back on later to sing like Pavarotti. He didn’t like that comparison. I was just joking. It’s not like I expected him back at the end in a dress so I could do the “Not over until the fat lady sings” joke.

I went for the hat-trick of ballsing things up then with the Riverdancing crowd. I meant to give the girl in the dance a peck on the cheek to say hello. But she ducked and I connected with the dude. He wasn’t happy. And that guy sure can kick hard.

So anyhow, later on in the show I had to hide due to Cowen, the boxers and the dancer all coming after me, looking to give me a beating. But thanks to those magicians I was able to hide until the guests had to leave. Disaster averted.

Thing is, I’m a little pissed off as it meant that I didn’t get to do my bit in the group finale performance of Bohemian Rhapsody. I was planning to do a guitar solo surrounded by fireworks and everything.

That’s me in rehearsals before the show. Yes. It’s a real tiger. It would have been an amazing spectacle.

Instead, I end up cramped in a box, while the tiger ended up biting the orchestra conductor in the arse.

Oh well. These things happen.


There’s An “Eat Me” Joke In This, But I’m Not Going To Say It…

To give you all the answer to the main unasked question from last night’s show – Mutton.

That’s what human flesh tastes like. Well, according to my guest last night. No, not Kris Kristofferson. It was a man who was involved in a plane crash in the mountains. They had to eat each other to stay alive. I always thought that humans would have tasted more beefy.

At my Grandad’s cremation, there was a big meaty smell from when they roasted him. Although he was a butcher for 40 years. And it was his wish to have sausages and bacon put in his coffin. It did put everyone in a mood for the barbecue afterwards though.

All this talk of food is making me hungry. I’m going to get a snack.

Don’t go away, We’ll be right back.

Welcome back to part 2 of my blog post.

Now, this weekend is going to be an immensely monumental occasion in the history of music. The finals for the “You’re a Star” show are on. And yours truly has a ticket to be in the audience. Watch for me in the crowd. I’ll be the one holding up the giant “Pat Fitz was Robbed” banner.

He should have still been in the final though. When I was interviewing the four ladies that were in the semi finals, all I could think was “Pat Fitz would have been a more interesting guest”

I mean, seriously – “When Pat met Pat” – The marketing writes itself! I haven’t been able to do an interview titled like that since we had Pat Shortt in to promote his new TV show. And that interview went down like a lead balloon when we ended up arm-wrestling to determine who was “The Greater Pat”

But, i digress. I think. I don’t know what “digress” means.

All I know is that come the moment that they announce who wins this year’s competition, I’m going to barge up on stage, drop my jocks, and show the country the new “Pat Fitz” tattoo on my arse.

I just hope people don’t misunderstand and think it’s some rude gay joke or something.

The last thing i want to be is in the same boat as Cathal Ó Searcaigh – Metaphorically or Literally.

May 2018
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