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Apologies To The Tent I Peed On…

I am wrecked. Oxegen was a blast. So tired after it though.

I got to see so many amazing bands over the weekend. Especially front row for Rage Against The Machine. It was so much fun moshing away in the pit area there. Where else will you get a chance to smack some spotty teenagers in the face and get away with it? I mean, I’ve done it before, but still it’s more fun when I don’t have to pay people off afterwards.

There was so much more craic to have been had over in the campsites however. Thanks to paying off the security, I was able to drive the campervan right into the site. The people whose tent I crushed weren’t too pleased. Especially since they happened to have been in it at the time. Oops.

We also got into a bit of further trouble later on the Thursday evening. The wife had brought a 12 pack of cigarettes with her, but had forgotten to get a lighter. I ended up creating a makeshift blowtorch for her using the cooker and a can of deodorant. Unfortunately, it was too strong. Still, her eyebrows will eventually grow back, right?

My only complaint about the whole weekend was the weather. Sunday was a lovely warm day, but the Friday was so wet, that I had to stay stuck in the tents. Means I missed that Kings of Lion band. I really wanted to go and sing “Hakuna Matata”.

Instead I got that Cowboy singer guy Mundy, with his singing about girls from Galway. They’re not even remotely attractive!

Ah, well, I can always see them next year. Roll on Oxegen 2009!


Can’t Wait to see Bell Eleven again.

It’s been a bit of a crisis week here. Eddie Hobbs didn’t like hanging around with us. He bailed out after 2 days. Literally bailed out. We were driving to Clare when he opened the door and jumped. According to him, he “couldn’t stand the smell of your feet like.” And not a lick of help with my finances!

So a new plan was formed: Oxegen Festival! We got tickets for it there off of a scalper. For real cheap too. Only a grand for the lot of us to get in. (This whole Irish recession thing is great!)

I can’t wait to see all the artists advertised for playing it. All my favourites are there. Like Rodge Against The Machine (An excellent one man band), or The Kings of Lion. I believe they are a musical tribute to the classic Disney film.

I hear from the kids that Oxegen is great. They have loads of stuff there, like tents and toilets and even a Wine House. It’s apparently owned by some girl named Amy. Can’t wait to go there for a quiet drink.

So, right now we’re just waiting outside the campsite, playing strip poker to pass the time. I keep winning. Or losing, depending on how you see things. The wife is the only female in the caravan, and I see her naked all the time. Not by my choice either.

Speaking of what’s hot and what’s not, I hope the weather’s going to be good for this. I only have all my beachwear with me, because I thought we were off to the beach. Still, I can get by in my sandals and shorts. It’s a music festival in the middle of July. It’s hardly going to rain, is it?

Till the next time: Rock “N” Roll. Dudes!

Having An Offaly Good Time.

Wow. That was boring. Didn’t even meet the Taoiseach. Although to be fair, I can barely remember anything that happened in the last week. It’s all that Hector’s fault. You know how he promotes Whiskey? Well, didn’t he bring a whole case of it. We wouldn’t have needed it, only for us being in Offaly.

Seriously, what is there to do there? It’s ok going to places, and seeing local attractions, but that can be done in 2 days. The rest of the week just drags right on.

The lot of us ended up playing games to relieve our boredom. Like “Drink the Whiskey”. You get another one for winning. By lunchtime, we were pretty rat-arsed.

That’s when the cameraman explained that I had to go and interview a local group of locals. I ended up slurring my way through a talk on the town’s local history.

Even worse was that ginger gobshite dancing around behind the camera trying to get me to laugh. I burst out laughing just as I was told some emotional sob story. Not good. The whole day’s work had to be scrapped. Which set us back a bit.

I got my revenge on Hector though. We got him really drunk and dyed his hair black. That’ll teach him to mess with me. Then, for extra fun, I gagged his mouth and put a balaclava on him, before gluing toy guns to his hands. We then dumped him outside the local garda station.

He’s not going to be doing much travelling for a while…

So, on we went to the next destination to meet up with the newest celebrity guest.

We’re off to County Clare with the one and only Eddie “The Eagle” Hobbs. He’s going to show us how to go surfing at the seaside, while at the same time also teaching us about saving our money.

I think that’s it. He said something about floating interest rates anyway. I can’t wait!

Story Bud?

Well, That was bit of a bad start to the national tour. With a great burst of enthusiasm, we all took off from the RTE studios to head off on the Ireland tour. But ended up stuck in Ballymun with a flat tire. I had to walk 5 miles to get to the nearest petrol station. I tried hitchhiking, but everyone would either give a cheeky thumbs up back to me, or stop and let me walk to the car before speeding off. Whilst sticking their middle fingers up at me. Bastards.

And then when I got back, some sneaky kids had taken the other good wheels, a camera, and a cameraman. So for the rest of the week, our group had to stay right where we were.

Didn’t mean we didn’t have fun. I got to meet many of the locals. (A big shout out to my homies, Deco and PJ.) I also got to appreciate many things in the Greater Dublin Area. Such as bonfires from burnt out cars. Or people who keep racehorses in their housing estates. Mighty people.

Wish I could say that Joe Duffy had a good time. He stepped out of the caravan and within 2 minutes, he was swamped by hundreds of middle-aged people, wanting to “Talk to Joe” about all their problems. They ended up carrying him off in a hastily-fashioned cage. We haven’t seen him since.

Yesterday we were joined by the newest houseguest, the TV “personality” that is Hector Ó hEochagáin. He’s sharing the van for the next week as we head off to County Offaly.

This should be great fun. Everyone knows how much fun Offaly people are, with their big funny accents and their nickname of Biffo. (Big Ignorant Fool From Offaly). I myself have a nickname that’s an acronym too.

Everyone always calls me a Super Hot Intelligent Television Entertainer.

And We’re Off!

So yesterday I had the meeting. The Reality show has been commissioned! “Pat’s Ireland” will see me going to the different counties of Ireland over the summer. I’ll get to see the way the commoners (i.e., you people) live.

To be honest, I’d rather be going to some other country, but budget cuts and all that means I can’t. (It costs like half a million quid to make each episode of The Afternoon Show. Most goes on make-up and camera filters to make the women look human.)

I can’t wait to head off. We leave in our campervan next week. It’ll be just myself, Patricia (the wife), plus our 2 teenage kids – Pat Jr. and Young Paddy. Patricia said she’d do the driving.

Too right she will, my license got revoked three years ago when I hit that deer in Phoenix Park. Well…when I say “Deer” it turned out he was just a hairy homeless guy. Still, he was ok after a few months. More or less.

Anyhow, I know what all my dedicated fans are thinking, and yes, I will still be presenting the radio show during all this so don’t worry.

I have a radio transmitter hooked up to the roof, and I’ve made the bathroom my own private studio. It’s quite ingenious. Every time is flush the toilet; it powers the generator, which in turn gives me 20 minutes of talk time on the air. That may prove to be a little problematic.

First stop on the tour – Dublin. We’re going to take it easy for the first week. My good friend and fellow DJ, Joe Duffy will also join us in our travels for the first week. He wants us to go to what he calls “the most glamorous of destinations” – Clontarf.

Joe says he hopes he can get to use my toilet to broadcast his radio show from there.

I just hope we can make it through the county without the van getting stolen.

Here Comes The Summer!

Apologies for the delay since the last post. It’s just that I was so geared up about finishing the Late Late show for the summer that I wasn’t able to think straight for the week coming up to the finale. The show organizers didn’t make it easy for me. How is any man supposed to talk to Amanda Brunker, without closing their ears and staring at her chest? It’s damn near impossible!

So then the second I finished, I headed on the next plane out of the country to go on my holidays. Thailand is great, by the way. You can get away we nearly anything out there. It was only for that incident involving myself and the national football team streaking through the streets that led to my deportation.

So yes, I’m free for the summer now. But I don’t really know what to do with myself. I mean, there’s the radio show to be done, but no-one really cares about that. Plus I pre-record the show 4 or 5 months in advance. And nobody’s the wiser about it. Except for the time I discussed the results of the May General Election and what it meant for Ireland. In October.

I put in a pitch to the Director General of RTE for a new reality show to show while I’m off the TV. I think he’s going to go for it. I’ll be filming next month, and then it should hopefully go to air in the early autumn. The plan is for myself, the wife and our kids to head across the country in a camper van. We’re also arranging that each week there’ll be a special celebrity housemate with us. It’ll be tremendous fun.

We still have to come up with a title for it though. They told me I can’t have a show called “Pat Kenny’s Land”.

Who Doesn’t Love All Things Theatrical?

We had the quite theatrical Senator David Norris on the show there on Friday. He’s always tremendous fun when telling his stories. But he sure gets angry when you ask about his cousin, Chuck Norris. But if you were related to someone who could cure cancer with his tears (if only he cried), then you’d feel insignificant too.

Everyone seems to love Dave though, especially the women. It’s a wonder the guy never settled down and got married to a nice young lady. But he says he loves being “a swinging bachelor”.

For some reason, he made a joke out of that. I don’t know why.

Speaking of confused, I was as confused as a baby at a topless bar when we had a guest on who looked the spitting image of Biddy from Glenroe. For those that don’t know, Glenroe was a documentary broadcast in the 1990’s about the life of a farming community.

I always thought it was cruel that when Biddy crashed her car into a tractor and died that the camera crew didn’t go and help her. But I guess they didn’t for authenticity and that.

So this look-alike and some other women were on the show promoting how they were appearing in The Vagina Monologues. I haven’t been to see it yet, but I imagine it involves some impressive ventriloquist skills.

It’s great that there are so many artistic plays and thing like that in Ireland. I wish I could get up on stage and act in a play again. But I’ve been blacklisted since my last theatre show was such a complete disaster.

It was last December when I was performing my stage show in the Olympia Theatre in Dublin. A one-man musical version of Pulp Fiction. Unfortunately, the theatre was double booked. And nobody told me.

Which led to the sight of me, covered in shoe polish and shouting, “English Motherfucker, do you speak it?” like Samuel Jackson.

During the ballroom scene of a pantomime version of Cinderella.

The poor kids didn’t know what to make of it. Especially during the scene with the gimp.

May 2018
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