Archive for the 'Counties of Ireland' Category

Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

So, I made it out of Leitrim. Just about. The experience was far worse than anything I could have expected. It reminded me of that film The Hills Have Eyes. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much camera footage. When we set the cameras rolling, the locals ganged up and accused our cameraman of trying to steal their souls. Such a shame they sacrificed him inside a large wicker man like that. Oh well, he knew what the job entailed.

So anyhow, now that the national tour is done and dusted, we jetted on down the N3 road on the way home for a well-deserved rest.

Well, so I thought. For some inexplicable reason, the feckwits, I mean bosses, at RTE thought I should present The Late Late Show from Wexford Opera House. I should be angry that I’m kept outside Dublin for a bit longer, but on the other hand, I’m actually psyched for this. I’m flattered that they arranged such a grand venue for me to show off my vocal talents.

The last time I sung in public was when I was a little tipsy at Oxegen and got up to do karaoke in the VIP bar. Which was an amazing sight to see. I do an excellent 48-minute version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Falsetto voices, manic dancing, removal of shirts, head banging, and jumping kicks, I give it the full 110%. And the people in the crowd (that haven’t left by then) cheer like they’re insane.

Plus I’m going to be backed up by the RTE Concert Orchestra, which is mega wicked awesome. We’ve got every type of instrumentalist in that orchestra: a violinist, a cello player, a triangle player, and even a guy who can make noises with his armpits. Oh-ho, it’s going to be a good show. See you all there!

I’m Alive!

Yes. I know it’s been a while since I posted. But you don’t get much of an Internet connection in the west of Ireland. I never realised how bad some people have it! There’s even people that have never heard of Panini sandwiches. It’s scary.

So just to bring people up to speed on how the last few weeks have went:

We went to Cork. It was ok. Couldn’t understand a word of what the people were saying.

We went to Longford. It was ok. Couldn’t understand a word of what the people were saying.

We went to Donegal. It was ok. Couldn’t understand a word of what the people were saying.

We went to Meath. It was ok. Couldn’t understand a word of what the people were saying.

Got some great footage for the reality show though. And some not so great, but we’ll be able to fix that in the editing room after. The editors at RTE can do anything. Like the time that guy burst on stage during one of the Friday shows. No-one watching knew anything odd happened.

Thing is, the whole celebrity roommate aspect to the show hit a snag. We ran out of celebrities who were willing to appear on the show. Everyone that didn’t have a shred of dignity were all appearing on the Failte Towers show.

So we were saddled with the only available celebrity: George Hook.

For the whole month. Feck. If I ever hear one more story from him about rugby or erectile dysfunction, I’ll cut my ears off. The producers have told me he’s booked for a show appearance in October, so we can reminisce about sharing a caravan for a month. Oh great…

Next week is the last week of the nationwide tour. I’ll be heading for my toughest challenge yet. Even tougher than the time I was dared to run through Limerick with a target sign on me.

Harsh weather. Lack of proper infrastructure. Possibly inbred folk. Chances are I may not make it out alive.

That’s right people; I’m going to Leitrim.

They don’t have Panini sandwiches there either.

Apologies To The Tent I Peed On…

I am wrecked. Oxegen was a blast. So tired after it though.

I got to see so many amazing bands over the weekend. Especially front row for Rage Against The Machine. It was so much fun moshing away in the pit area there. Where else will you get a chance to smack some spotty teenagers in the face and get away with it? I mean, I’ve done it before, but still it’s more fun when I don’t have to pay people off afterwards.

There was so much more craic to have been had over in the campsites however. Thanks to paying off the security, I was able to drive the campervan right into the site. The people whose tent I crushed weren’t too pleased. Especially since they happened to have been in it at the time. Oops.

We also got into a bit of further trouble later on the Thursday evening. The wife had brought a 12 pack of cigarettes with her, but had forgotten to get a lighter. I ended up creating a makeshift blowtorch for her using the cooker and a can of deodorant. Unfortunately, it was too strong. Still, her eyebrows will eventually grow back, right?

My only complaint about the whole weekend was the weather. Sunday was a lovely warm day, but the Friday was so wet, that I had to stay stuck in the tents. Means I missed that Kings of Lion band. I really wanted to go and sing “Hakuna Matata”.

Instead I got that Cowboy singer guy Mundy, with his singing about girls from Galway. They’re not even remotely attractive!

Ah, well, I can always see them next year. Roll on Oxegen 2009!

Can’t Wait to see Bell Eleven again.

It’s been a bit of a crisis week here. Eddie Hobbs didn’t like hanging around with us. He bailed out after 2 days. Literally bailed out. We were driving to Clare when he opened the door and jumped. According to him, he “couldn’t stand the smell of your feet like.” And not a lick of help with my finances!

So a new plan was formed: Oxegen Festival! We got tickets for it there off of a scalper. For real cheap too. Only a grand for the lot of us to get in. (This whole Irish recession thing is great!)

I can’t wait to see all the artists advertised for playing it. All my favourites are there. Like Rodge Against The Machine (An excellent one man band), or The Kings of Lion. I believe they are a musical tribute to the classic Disney film.

I hear from the kids that Oxegen is great. They have loads of stuff there, like tents and toilets and even a Wine House. It’s apparently owned by some girl named Amy. Can’t wait to go there for a quiet drink.

So, right now we’re just waiting outside the campsite, playing strip poker to pass the time. I keep winning. Or losing, depending on how you see things. The wife is the only female in the caravan, and I see her naked all the time. Not by my choice either.

Speaking of what’s hot and what’s not, I hope the weather’s going to be good for this. I only have all my beachwear with me, because I thought we were off to the beach. Still, I can get by in my sandals and shorts. It’s a music festival in the middle of July. It’s hardly going to rain, is it?

Till the next time: Rock “N” Roll. Dudes!

Having An Offaly Good Time.

Wow. That was boring. Didn’t even meet the Taoiseach. Although to be fair, I can barely remember anything that happened in the last week. It’s all that Hector’s fault. You know how he promotes Whiskey? Well, didn’t he bring a whole case of it. We wouldn’t have needed it, only for us being in Offaly.

Seriously, what is there to do there? It’s ok going to places, and seeing local attractions, but that can be done in 2 days. The rest of the week just drags right on.

The lot of us ended up playing games to relieve our boredom. Like “Drink the Whiskey”. You get another one for winning. By lunchtime, we were pretty rat-arsed.

That’s when the cameraman explained that I had to go and interview a local group of locals. I ended up slurring my way through a talk on the town’s local history.

Even worse was that ginger gobshite dancing around behind the camera trying to get me to laugh. I burst out laughing just as I was told some emotional sob story. Not good. The whole day’s work had to be scrapped. Which set us back a bit.

I got my revenge on Hector though. We got him really drunk and dyed his hair black. That’ll teach him to mess with me. Then, for extra fun, I gagged his mouth and put a balaclava on him, before gluing toy guns to his hands. We then dumped him outside the local garda station.

He’s not going to be doing much travelling for a while…

So, on we went to the next destination to meet up with the newest celebrity guest.

We’re off to County Clare with the one and only Eddie “The Eagle” Hobbs. He’s going to show us how to go surfing at the seaside, while at the same time also teaching us about saving our money.

I think that’s it. He said something about floating interest rates anyway. I can’t wait!

Story Bud?

Well, That was bit of a bad start to the national tour. With a great burst of enthusiasm, we all took off from the RTE studios to head off on the Ireland tour. But ended up stuck in Ballymun with a flat tire. I had to walk 5 miles to get to the nearest petrol station. I tried hitchhiking, but everyone would either give a cheeky thumbs up back to me, or stop and let me walk to the car before speeding off. Whilst sticking their middle fingers up at me. Bastards.

And then when I got back, some sneaky kids had taken the other good wheels, a camera, and a cameraman. So for the rest of the week, our group had to stay right where we were.

Didn’t mean we didn’t have fun. I got to meet many of the locals. (A big shout out to my homies, Deco and PJ.) I also got to appreciate many things in the Greater Dublin Area. Such as bonfires from burnt out cars. Or people who keep racehorses in their housing estates. Mighty people.

Wish I could say that Joe Duffy had a good time. He stepped out of the caravan and within 2 minutes, he was swamped by hundreds of middle-aged people, wanting to “Talk to Joe” about all their problems. They ended up carrying him off in a hastily-fashioned cage. We haven’t seen him since.

Yesterday we were joined by the newest houseguest, the TV “personality” that is Hector Ó hEochagáin. He’s sharing the van for the next week as we head off to County Offaly.

This should be great fun. Everyone knows how much fun Offaly people are, with their big funny accents and their nickname of Biffo. (Big Ignorant Fool From Offaly). I myself have a nickname that’s an acronym too.

Everyone always calls me a Super Hot Intelligent Television Entertainer.

And We’re Off!

So yesterday I had the meeting. The Reality show has been commissioned! “Pat’s Ireland” will see me going to the different counties of Ireland over the summer. I’ll get to see the way the commoners (i.e., you people) live.

To be honest, I’d rather be going to some other country, but budget cuts and all that means I can’t. (It costs like half a million quid to make each episode of The Afternoon Show. Most goes on make-up and camera filters to make the women look human.)

I can’t wait to head off. We leave in our campervan next week. It’ll be just myself, Patricia (the wife), plus our 2 teenage kids – Pat Jr. and Young Paddy. Patricia said she’d do the driving.

Too right she will, my license got revoked three years ago when I hit that deer in Phoenix Park. Well…when I say “Deer” it turned out he was just a hairy homeless guy. Still, he was ok after a few months. More or less.

Anyhow, I know what all my dedicated fans are thinking, and yes, I will still be presenting the radio show during all this so don’t worry.

I have a radio transmitter hooked up to the roof, and I’ve made the bathroom my own private studio. It’s quite ingenious. Every time is flush the toilet; it powers the generator, which in turn gives me 20 minutes of talk time on the air. That may prove to be a little problematic.

First stop on the tour – Dublin. We’re going to take it easy for the first week. My good friend and fellow DJ, Joe Duffy will also join us in our travels for the first week. He wants us to go to what he calls “the most glamorous of destinations” – Clontarf.

Joe says he hopes he can get to use my toilet to broadcast his radio show from there.

I just hope we can make it through the county without the van getting stolen.