“And Then I Asked: Do You Keep it in a Jar?”

Friday night’s show was interesting to say the least.

First we had the guy who became a woman. I know, a woman! Isn’t technology amazing nowadays?

He/She was telling his/her courageous story about how he/she overcame adversity and abuse from ignorant people throughout his/her life. Until I cut in with the question we were all thinking. Did he/she get the balls snipped off?

I suppose that was a moot question for me. I already knew. You see, I have hidden cameras attached to the RTE toilet ceilings.

Don’t judge me. Those babies pay for themselves. I can see what all the celebrities get up to in there, from the safety of my secret office. You wouldn’t believe how easy I was able to blackmail Glenda Gilson last year. She didn’t want anyone to see that incident where she got explosive diarrhoea. Which is how she ended up doing that Celebrity Skating thing.

You wouldn’t believe what we caught John Waters doing in the jacks for him to end up on the show.

Anyway, after we had the guy/girl on, I had a man and his wife on who had moved to Thailand, talking about the sex industry there. I wasn’t paying much attention. I was fiddling about with my laptop underneath the desk trying to book tickets to Bangkok for the summer.

Ironically,the laptop slipped off my lap and i ended up Banging my Little Pat, as it were.

I eventually recovered and came to my senses by the time we had the Eurosong contestants on. In a word, they were absolutely hopeless. It appears my campaign to send Spiral from Big Brother over there is dead in the water.

Even worse is me having to introduce one of my arch-nemeses.

Dustin the Turkey. I hate him so much. And his attempts to upstage me at every opportunity. The pair of us have a long-standing rivalry. Ever since the time I told him Bosco was better than him.

I went to find Dustin backstage and to confront him about how he always mocks me. Ended up finding him hiding in a suitcase. I berated him for a whole hour. But he just gave me the silent treatment.

That Feathered Bastard.


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February 2008
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